


Strange Almost Human Ways

by preciousbunnynoiz



Series: Silliness!!! on Ice! [24]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Awkward Katsuki Yuuri, Awkward Victor Nikiforov, Crack, M/M, Victor How do I human Nikiforov, savage victor, savage yuuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 08:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12272853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousbunnynoiz/pseuds/preciousbunnynoiz
Summary: The skaters share moments where Yuuri and Victor fail at humaningBasically snippets of too blunt and very savage Yuuri and Victor from before they were a couple





	Strange Almost Human Ways

“So this guy who I’d been taking classes with me for three years looks over at me all wide eyed and said ‘I didn’t know you had anxiety you’re always so together and cool’ like what the hell? Who doesn’t know I’m an anxious awkward mess?” Yuuri laughed with the rest who were collapsing with unbelieving laughter at the farce of a cool Yuuri.

All except Phichit.

“What Phichit? You don’t find it unbelievably funny” Chris asked as he wiped tears from his eyes.

Phichit cracked a smile and shook his head.

“Nah I know a lot better stories. It’s not a surprise that guy didn’t know since he only knew first impressions Yuuri. Meaning Yuuri never spent more than 15 minutes at time in that guys presence. He’s too much of an anxious mess at competitions but get him away from that in a surprise social situation and Yuuri masquerades convincingly like a functioning human. The problem is if he’s in extended social situations. Like this!”

Phichit’s phone magically appeared in his hand and the other skaters gathered around to watch.

_The video showed a group of college students gathered together for some kind of study group. Yuuri was looking tired and annoyed while some boy seriously laid out why they didn’t believe the moon landing happened._

_“That is literally the stupidest thing anyone has said ever” Yuuri broke in, “You are without a doubt the dumbest person I have ever met and I’ve hung out with drunk frat boys. You are possibly too dumb to be alive. So since this project is worth a third of our grade why don’t you shut your mouth and let the kids who actually have brains get to work.”_

_Everyone on the video gasps and Yuuri looked around the room in exasperation._

_“WHAT?” he demands before the video cuts off._

“Oh my god Yuuri you SAVAGE MOUTHERFUCKER!” Yuri yelled happily.

“Oh my god it’s not just Victor!” Chris said at almost the same time.

The group of giggling skaters look at Chris and then Victor who was looking puzzled next to a disgruntled Yuuri.

“What’s the big deal? Yuuri was right” Victor said to the skaters staring at him.

That’s when they all remembered how their idea of who Victor was hadn’t matched at all with reality.

They turned back to Chris.

“Receipts?” Phichit asked and Chris grinned as he reached for his pocket.

_It’s a crowded bar, a guy his trying to hit on a much younger Victor._

_After a moment Victor cuts him off mid-sentence with a raised hand._

_“Let me stop you there. You’re boring and ugly and I’m out of your league so trot on”_

_“Oh my god Victor!” Chris whispers in awe over the video as the man flounced off. Victor looked down the lens, his expression puzzled._

_“What?”_

“I don’t get it.  That seemed a good way of dealing with it” Yuuri said his voice lost in the laughing from their friends.

“Oh but check this one out!” Leo pushed forward this time.

_“Why is there a weird stereotype that Asian men have small dicks?” Yuuri was sitting next to a now choking Phichit at a table of young people. Mostly fellow skaters._

_“What?” Leo’s voice was heard asking._

_“Well I know the average American men’s dick is like 6.5 inches erect and I know a fair few Asians who are above that average. I mean I’m 8 inches erect and I would guess Phichit is at least 7 inches“_

_Phichit made a flailing motion and distressed sounds._

_“HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW TO GUESS THAT!?”_ _Phichit demanded when he could speak again, “AND HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG YOURS IS?”_

_“I’ve seen you naked Phichit, you fall asleep on your bed naked all the time. How do you think you get covered with a blanket each time? I mean I haven’t been actively looking but if you see it enough times you’re going to get a good guesstimate of length. Also I know mine cause I measured it last night.” Yuuri went on._

_“…WHY?!” Phichit asked staring at him bug-eyed, “How did we even get on this topic”_

_Yuuri looked thoughtful._

_“Well the answer to both would be because we’re discussing racial stereotyping in literature yesterday in class and it got me thinking over racial stereotypes in general and then I was curious. Why?” he looked at the camera that Leo was apparently holding “Is it weird?”_

Chris was honest to god wheezing with laugher while Yuri was bright red.

Some of the skaters looked over to Victor to get his reaction but he was looking thoughtfully at Yuuri.

“That’s a good point. It’s a stupid prejudice. I mean I’m about 7.5 inches and it’s not like size is that important anyway.” Victor said conversationally.

“I know right? And it doesn’t even take into account girth.” Yuuri nodded seriously, they looked up at the other skaters.

“What?” they said in unison.

“Oh my god that reminds me! I have video footage of why Victor was dropped by Versace” Chris said happily.

_Victor is sat in a boardroom looking bored and tired. A woman is standing there explaining why they should avoid using any model that might be misconstrued as plus size. It seemed Chris was videoing secretly because he could see Victor was getting annoyed._

_“I did a scientific poll that shows most people do not want plus size models in high fashion.” She explained._

_“How was this poll conducted?” Victor broke in. The woman blinked._

_“I’m sorry?”_

_“How was this poll conducted?” Victor asked again, his lip curling into a slight sneer._

_“Well I called all of my friends and they called all of their friends and they all agreed with me” the woman replied._

_“That’s not scientific.”_

_You could hear a pin drop in the boardroom._

_“I’m sorry?” the woman’s tone was taking on a decidedly icy edge._

_“That’s not scientific. There are plenty of think pieces and articles and actual evidence that shows that the average person wants to be represented and that promoting photoshopped, ultra-thin models promotes eating disorders. Some of those have been written by people who understand what science is.”_

_There was a further silence._

_“Can we move on from weight related bigotry? Honestly I’m not even sure why Chris and I are here but I really don’t care about this and your so-called science”_

“She was the chairman’s wife. Victor was dropped the next day” Chris said with some glee.

“But he was right” Yuuri protested while the others laughed themselves sick, he turned to Victor, “I don’t understand honey you were right.”

Victor just shrugged.

“Oo! Oo! This one is good!” Phichit squealed.

_It’s obviously a party. Yuuri is sitting at a table with his head in resting on one of his hands. A boy comes and sits next to him. Yuuri full on sneers at him._

_“What are you doing?” Yuuri demanded._

_“Sitting here?” the boy replied with wide eyes._

_“Why?”_

_“I-I…”_

_“We’re not friends,” Yuuri continued on relentlessly, “I don’t like you and you don’t like me. So go away. I was sitting here first” Yuuri turned his head in a clear dismissal and the boy jumped up and ran away._

“Sooo mean” Guang Hong whispered.

“I don’t get it!” Victor exploded slapping the table, “Yuuri was right! There’s no reason to hang around people who you don’t actually like so why are you all acting so shocked! In none of those videos did Yuuri do what I woudn’t”

“Same for the videos about Victor!” Yuuri added with a sharp nod.

The rest of the skaters stared at them for a moment before dissolving again in laughter.

“You guys are lucky to have us who understand your strange almost human ways” Phichit replied as he wiped away tears of mirth.

Victor and Yuuri grumbled to themselves, it wasn’t their fault other people didn’t understand them.

**Author's Note:**

> All the awkward moments that Yuuri and Victor fail to recognise as such are based on things I have said and done only to later be told it was wrong
> 
> For the record I agree with Yuuri and Victor but realise that's not "socially acceptable" and the "acts like a convincing human for only 15 minutes at a time" is something my husband said about me.
> 
> What he actually said "You have a good 15 minutes when you appear to be a functioning human and then it fails and you start talking about your vagina or something"
> 
> He's not wrong.


End file.
